Ok, so everyone needs to please stop telling me to stop having self pity parties and stop being emo.
it’s not me being a coward that has kept me from taking the real risk and telling emily my real feelings. it is not me being afraid. it’s me being stupid. and its me being irrational. and its me being me. because i already know how the conversation will end. as lauren so eloquently puts it, i am the rule, not the exception. so i dont do anything because why would i do something if i already know the outcome? the irony is that i did something like this before, on a smaller scale on my phone. and the outcome ended up being nothing like how i expected. but i’m going with that it was a fluke.
the real reason why i haven’t done anything, and plan on doing even less all comes down to me in the end. again, that’s the whole me being self centered thing…i have a low self image and self worth. i don’t know why, but i do. it’s been getting a little better, but i tend to lie to myself and the lies aren’t usually in my favor. that’s why i don’t take risks. because i lie to myself and tell myself that i already know the outcome. but no joke. with this one situation, i do know. the subtleties that i’ve picked up on have told me so. and it’s more than just me. even if i don’t have good looks, and i’m not an easy person to get along with, that’s not the only thing that proves me right.
as i think i’ve previously mentioned, i think i just always misunderstood. emily, you probably won’t ever read this. but only you know the real answer. what i used to think was that back when you came downtown, alone, to watch hp7 with me, it was because you wanted it to just be me and you, even though i think your parents and you would both have felt safer for you to ride the metra with a friend at 10 at night. and then prom and great america. i swear, the reason i hung out with val was because you were flirting with chris. but when we talked about it almost a year later, you said i ditched you. almost as if you were hurt…and stuff like that, stuff like you asking me for a story even though you clearly knew it was a thing back when i had feelings for you, that kept me going…but now i guess i need to see it in a new light
and high school wasn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world for me. so, the low self image probably came from there. i know i may act confident, or happy with my self or whatever at times, but i’m not. i honestly see nothing good in me. i’m not smart, talented, funny, or genuine. and maybe that’s why i choose to write all of this instead of telling you. because i will always end up being the kid who had no friends freshman year…