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Truth is…

Emily, you and Maura were right. I can’t stop caring. Everyone who I talked about this with agreed with you. Val, Laura, Lauren, Chris, Emiley. Even Jimmy to a point. Everyone gave different advice. I think you were the only one who completely disagreed. But yeah. After what I did yesterday, I know I can’t stop. I guess it was just my way of trying to fix myself. My screwed up head. That’s what needed to change. And I tried to stop. But I couldn’t in the end. Yes. I mean it when I say I care about the wrong things. Maybe the right people, but definitely the wrong way.

Why I want to be a writer. That has been one of the big questions of my life. No matter what I become, I will always say that I want to be a writer. I guess part of it is the nomadic soul I have. There’s always a good story somewhere. Waiting for me to observe. Another part is my biggest fear. Being forgotten and also forgetting. I am not lying when I say that everything I see will one day be written down. I’m terrified of forgetting. And if I write, I won’t have that fear right? But the biggest reason is the same reason I have this blog. The same reason I’m so messed up. I’m on the 47th floor right now, and part of me wonders what it would feel like to jump. I’m not stupid. I won’t jump. But I’m messed up enough to think of it. I’m so cynical. Everything has a cynical twist to it. Except for love. That’s romantic. That’s pure. That’s perfect. I want to be a writer because that’s all I’ll be good at. That’s the only thing that needs me to stay broken. Messed up.

The shower I took today could not wipe off the grime on my soul from last night. I know I shouldn’t have done it. But I was still trying to care about the “right” things. I should explain the difference between the wrong things and the right things…you’re my close friend. The wrong thing is my feelings for you. The wrong thing is wanting to find love in this world instead of just a girlfriend. The wrong thing is worrying about people when they don’t talk to me. The wrong thing is my refusal to accept defeat. Everything that makes me me is the wrong thing. Its wrong to marry one profession and be in love with another. Its wrong for me to be hard on myself about everything. Its all just wrong. I tried doing the right thing last night. And this morning I felt weird. I tried to change but I don’t think I can. I think I’ve become who I will be. And I’m still fighting it. But its a losing battle. I can’t just stop being me. I tried though. I think I’ll keep trying. But I think I’m going to hate myself in the morning.

Want to know I secret? I was never really depressed. I made myself act like I was. And now, I’m a sarcastic, cynical, jackass. It was weird for a few months. Lying to everyone. It felt wrong, doing it for attention. But it became a reality soon enough. I changed because of it. Yes. I never truly became depressed. But I became someone I wasn’t thanks to those few months. So yeah. I know I can’t stop caring. But that doesn’t mean I won’t act like I don’t. And even if I don’t become who I want to be by the end of it, I’ll be someone I’m not. That is terrifying and exciting at the same time. And I honestly can’t wait. Because its weird looking down at the view and feeling down because I have no one to share it with.

Loneliness is my other big fear. And if history has anything to show for it, I’ll end up alone if I don’t stop being myself. Because I don’t think anyone has ever truly loved me for me. This fear is the driving force for me to change right now. Because I want to find someone who makes me want to sing those silly love songs and mean them. You know why I’m so underconfident? Its because I’m self concious. And let’s admit it. I’m not the easiest person to get along with. And I’m not really I sight for sore eyes. I don’t have anything to give. Except love. And no one wants that from me. So I have nothing to give I guess. And that’s why I feel so worthless. But put yourself in my shoes. Tell me. Wouldn’t it hurt? Am I so wrong for thinking and acting like this? If you can honestly say that I’m wrong, then you have a right to say something.

The view really is beautiful from up here…if only the fireworks didn’t sound so much like a warzone